


I'm Gonna Try

by dwtbasv



Category: Preacher (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fix-It, Fluff, Smut, Tulip's POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:40:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23931694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dwtbasv/pseuds/dwtbasv
Summary: Tulip's feeling self-destructive after being hurt by Jesse, so she turns to Cassidy for comfort—or something like it—resulting in an unexpected change of heart.
Relationships: Proinsias Cassidy/Tulip O'Hare
Kudos: 13





	I'm Gonna Try

Today has left me feelin' like a real piece of shit. Jesse Custer has a knack for doing that to me—he has for years—and whenever he does, I figure I might as well earn that disgust with myself by _acting_ like a piece of shit. It manifests as a hot, writhing knot in my gut that doesn't go away until I prove him right.

And right now, I know exactly how to do that. There's this guy Cassidy. He's a scrawny, unkempt addict. He's a friend, I guess, but the fact we just met makes him the perfect outlet. He has it _bad_ for me, and even though I know it'll take nothing at all to convince him, I bring some stolen pills to seal the deal. Armed robbery, because I don't believe in half measures. If I'm good at anything, it's making things worse.

We're still in the parking lot of the strip club out off Route 14 when it happens. He downs a handful of capsules—more than would be safe if he were human and not something else. He tries to kiss me before I turn my head away from him.

His hurt expression almost gets to me.

"I tought we were on, love," he mutters.

"We are," I say half-heartedly, pulling open the rear door of my car, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him into the back seat with me.

He stares at me, unmoving. He's trying to figure me out, not sure where we go next.

I guess it's my job to clarify things. I face away from him and get on all fours, unbuckling my belt and pulling my pants down around my thighs.

It's only a moment before I hear the flutter of his own pants. I feel two hands carefully slip around my waist and I close my eyes, waiting for it to happen.

But it doesn't. At least, not immediately.

"Ya _sure_ you wanna do this?" he hesitates.

"Yeah," I say, craning my neck to show him my forced smile. "I'm sure."

"And yer not pissed?"

"Huh?"

"Uh... drunk," he elaborates.

"No," I insist. And I'm not. I've had a few beers, but I can handle more than my size might lead anyone to believe. "Just fuck me already, okay?"

I'm getting impatient, but those words seem to be enough for him. He holds me firmly as he grasps my sides and then pushes himself deep inside of me.

I try not to pay him any attention and let him get on with it, but his demeanor surprises me. All this time I spent thinking he'd just want to get his rocks off—like every other man in my life—and instead he's slow and careful. Each rhythmic thrust shakes my whole body, but I don't dare move or make a sound.

I force my mind away and my thoughts immediately drift back to Jesse. After all, all of this is his fault. He thinks he's _so_ superior. Loves to pretend I don't exist. He is _so_ good at trampling all over my heart, and I let him do it again and again. And...

Oh hell. I can't deny that this is starting to feel _really_ good.

Cassidy calls out my name and fully snaps my mind back to the present, just a step behind my body. He's unbelievably tender, and as he whispers sweet nothings in my ear, as hard as I try, it becomes impossible to mentally drift off to anywhere but the here and now.

He breathes heavily, punctuated by little pleasured sighs, and I realize I'm gasping, too. I focus on my breathing and work to get it back to a steady, regular pace, despite the tension growing in my loins.

What _is_ this? I'm not gonna cum—certainly not from this measured and meandering fuck. At least, that's what I tell myself It's always taken a marathon of rough, fast fucking to get me there. There's no way this disheveled degenerate, with his slow, gentle movements can have this power over me.

But the pressure mounts, and I know it's not far off. I'm careful to keep my breath under control. If it happens, he can't know.

And when I catch a glimpse of his reflection in the car window, his face wears an expression not of pure horny pleasure, but of sweet contentment. He looks almost handsome and I have to look away.

Then it happens. The sensation rocks me to the very core, making my whole body weak, radiating with pleasure out from my center into every fabric of my being. I try to hold my breath as it happens, and every muscle tenses, making his last few strokes completely overtake me. I have to use every ounce of my willpower not to cry out with joy and to maintain my composure.

It's only a second more before he whispers an apology, and that he's going to cum. Those last powerful pushes are the toughest to ignore, and I can't hold back a final orgasmic moan. I'm grateful it's concealed by his own blissful noises, yet I wonder whether he sees right through me.

With my pants back on, I'm forced to think. I'd been intending to kick him out of the car and drive away. I don't.

We sit there in silence for a moment, and when I finally summon the courage to look up at him, he seems a different man. His smile genuinely warms me, and understanding that I'm responsible makes me nearly smile, too. There's something almost charming about him. My heartbeat refuses to slow. I feel almost giddy. I hide it again, until I can't anymore.

Before I can fully understand what I'm doing, I'm leaning my head on his shoulder. He's quick to wrap an arm around me and pull me close. In that moment, I feel so safe. I can't even remember how or why I'm here, but I'm real glad I am.

When I turn my head up to face him, he gives me another quizzical look, like he isn't sure what shit I'm going to pull this time. It makes me feel guilty, for half a second, and then it pushes me to act.

When I kiss him on his soft and eager lips, he's nearly as surprised as I am. He returns it with the same tenderness and affection he made love with, and I realize it's exactly what I've been needing. Neither of us dares say a word and mess this up.

Funny how it's possible for a kiss to be so meaningless. Yet, somehow, it doesn't remove an ounce of the indelible power of the _real_ first kiss, after you've truly seen someone. Funny how sex can mean nothing, until it means everything.

Maybe I'm being dumb. This pleasure, this sheer rush doesn't mean love. I know that. But if this is how it feels when someone cares about you, _really_ cares, and is willing to show it, then I'm gonna at least try. If I can love Cassidy even a little, maybe that's enough. I'm gonna try to love him. I'm gonna try to be happy.


End file.
